I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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