hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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