i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
