the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
