Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
