i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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