Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
