Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
