I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
