Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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