Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
