Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
