I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
