how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize