All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
