I am spending my child support on dildos
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize