You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
