so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
