somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
