My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
