I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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