apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
