just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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