I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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