So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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