Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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