woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
