I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
