In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So here I am, sexting at work.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
