I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
