she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
