you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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