I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
