i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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