Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
