i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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