So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
