M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
