I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
