So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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