my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
