I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
