Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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