Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
