just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
