so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
