3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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