I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize