Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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