I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
