My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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