May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my shit smells like andre
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
