somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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