things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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