just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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