just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
