I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
